I wrote in last weeks goals post that some of my goals were to spend some time “finding” myself. I had put them into the relationships category of my goals, because I’ve come to the conclusion that my non-existent love life probably stems from me not really being ready or knowing myself properly, so therefore send out all the wrong signals, so spending a little time getting to know me might help me “get to know” someone else. And I do stand by what I wrote last week.
However, taking time to be alone and single and wait for “the one” to get his arse in gear and show his face is all well and good, but I do have some major issues with this plan.
First off, I am not a patient person . Waiting is not something I am good at. Never has been. So waiting for something that may happen at some undetermined point in the future really is actually quite difficult.
Secondly, I am terrified.
If you ask me what it is I want in life, my honest answer is not “to have lots of money” or “have a successful career”, it’s to be loved. And not loved in the way that you’re by your mother or father or brother. I want that special, butterflies in your stomach, tingly, one of a kind love you get from loving that someone special.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.
I am terrified that I will live the entirety of my life without feeling of joy that I see my friends in relationships have.
I know the likely of that happening is actually pretty slim, but it’s a niggly wee voice in the back of my head, rabbiting away in the quiet moments. And it does get to you after a while.
But I am determined to ignore it, and get on with living my life, and believe wholeheartedly that when I least expect him, “the one” will come wandering around the corner, and maybe we’ll have the romantic movie meeting with the bumping and the music dropping and the magical eye contact. Gives me a reason for dropping my music all the time. I’m not clumsy, just trying to find me a man.