So I’ve decided to use a little corner of this here blog to give you an insight into how my mind works. In these ‘Dear Diary’ posts, I will be sharing and expanding some of my journal entries, to let you see some of the mental ramblings going on in my head. I’m hoping that by sharing some of these there are people out there who read them and realise that they are not alone, and that some other crazy thinks the same way they do.
Trying to decide who I am and who I want to be has been a little difficult of late.
I was so sure of myself and who I thought I was upon my return to university this year. I had thought I was so sure of the woman I was, who I wanted to be, what I wanted to get done with my year.
It would seem, however, that something has changed. I have changed.
It’s hard to describe. It’s like a pressure inside my chest; like something just isn’t sitting quite right, like I’m a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Things that normally wouldn’t bother me are starting to really irritate me, my tastes in things, in people even, have changed.
I felt it most on my trip to London. Glasgow, and Scotland, will always be my home, but there was just a strange energy in London. Something clicked in a way. The people and the city just seemed…right. It seemed to fit with me and my vision of how I see myself. Which in a way makes me feel really, really guilty. Like I’m betraying Glasgow and Scotland and home and all they’ve given me and all they mean to me.
Maybe all I need is to get away from Glasgow. I’ve been here for twenty years now. I’m maybe just feeling a little bit of cabin fever and my trip to London just felt like an escape, a place to breathe.
This feeling is making me question and rethink some of my life goals and big life choices that I’ve made recently. I still know the destination I want to reach, but the road I want to follow has become very foggy and unclear, and I’m just not to sure where to go. The yellow brick road has broken up and disappeared from view.
I think, in truth, that all that is happening is that I am beginning my transition into adulthood and making adult decisions, and it is terrifying. These periods of change are always uncomfortable, and you don’t always fit in the new space that the universe is making for you for a while.
But that’s okay.
We’re allowed to need some time to re-mould ourselves into the fabulous butterflies that we will be in our futures. We just have to deal with being very hungry caterpillars for a little while longer.