Category: Lifestyle

How I’m Managing My Anxiety and Depression

Disclaimer: I am in no way a medical professional. The advice I offer here is simply based on my personal experiences.

Mental health matters. This is something I truly, utterly believe. I also believe that opening up the discussion and just talking about mental health can have a massive effect on a person and their struggles. At least, I know it really did for me.

At it’s worst, depression turned me into a complete zombie. I struggled to get out of bed, and I’d spend periods just sat staring into space, unable to bring myself to move or do anything. I am a major Type A personality and perfectionist (although I’m also a lazy shite, but more on this later) and I think this may have been the only reason I got up every day and lived some semblance of a life. Being seen as subpar or less than was something that I just couldn’t stomach.

But there was no soul in anything I did. No emotions. I got up, went about my day, and spent most of my waking moments wishing I was in bed. I turned down almost every social invite I was given because I just could not face people and existing. When I was sat in groups or out with friends, I’d just be sat in the corner on my phone because making conversation was just too much effort.

My depression has improved, but I still have some bad episodes, and to be honest, at times the episodes are far worse than the extended period I suffered from in my second year of university.

With regards to my anxiety, I’ve always been an anxious person. Even as a child people always commented on how well behaved I was, when in truth I was just so scared of what people thought that I was terrified into inaction.

Sometimes, I find the anxiety is the harder to fight. I’ve lived with it for so long that I didn’t realise it was an issue until recently, whereas when I first began to suffer from depression I immediately sought out help to figure out what was wrong with me. My anxiety also tends to keep itself pretty lowkey – most of the time. It creeps along unnoticeable for quite some time before jumping out and knocking me flat on my backside.

Having realised, though, that these things are not an intrinsic part of my personality, and are in fact little angry voices living within my head, I’ve found them easier to live with. Instead of thinking that I’m broken and never going to be able to do the things I want, now it’s just a case of remembering to be kind to these little monsters sitting on my shoulders, and they, in turn, make living my life just that little bit easier.

An Established Sleep Pattern

I love sleep. So much. So much so that the idea of getting out of bed before 10 makes me cry.

Or it did.

My phone has a health app automatically installed, and when I told it I wanted to feel more rested it set me sleep goals. These goals simply involved me going to bed and waking up at the same time every day. I was dubious (waking up at half 7 on a weekend?! No thanks!) But I have actually seen a massive difference in my moods, and getting up early just sets up my day right. I actually get shit done.

Getting Organised

Organisation is a big one. Being organised gives you the upper hand over anxiety in particular. Instead of panicking about upcoming deadlines you’re vaguely aware of, being organised, writing them down and then actually doing something about them is so much better for you. That way, even if something does go wrong, you’re prepared, and you stand a better chance of succeeding without a meltdown.

Yoga

Or just exercise in general. Get out there, shake what ya mamma gave you. I know for some people in the depths of a depressive episode the idea of getting up and exercising is the last thing you think possible, but believe me when I say that the clarity and energy you can glean from exercise is priceless.

Yoga is so gentle and easy on the body you can sometimes feel like you aren’t exercising at all. That’s why I believe it’s perhaps the best form of exercise for those suffering from anxiety or depression.

Time Off

And not just days where I pretend to do nothing and just sit there like a vegetable. I mean taking days off to do something purely for pleasure, purely for myself. Not for the blog. No university work. Just me.

I think, especially in today’s culture, days off are seen as a negative or something to be enjoyed once in a blue moon. Taking a day for yourself is actually really beneficial.

Pushing through to burnout is not the most productive way to get things done. Take a day. A bet you’ll be far more productive when you get back to work after your siesta.

These are my little tips and tricks for making friends with pain in the bum and nagging voice sat on my shoulders. They’re not perfect. They don’t work every time, and I’m not perfect when it comes to executing them. I’m improving though, and that’s the main thing.

If you’ve any tips and tricks that you’ve found really help you then leave them down below as a comment. Let’s open the discussion and help each other out. This can only improve our chances in the fight for better mental health.

Afternoon Tea at the Blythswood

Last week my gal Rosie celebrated her 21st birthday, and with me being such a great friend (otherwise known as I forgot to physically buy her a present) I treated her to a wee spot of Afternoon Tea at the Salon in Blythswood Square Hotel.

Guys, this hotel is soooo posh! It was absolutely amazing. The décor inside is so luxe; it’s so elegant and chic. The chairs are all made of Harris Tweed, and the bathrooms are so swanky. I’m very much a person who judges a place by its bathroom, and the Blythswood did not disappoint.

The food was all so lovely, and the cakes were all delicate and very unusual in flavour; my favourite was the Lemon and Elderflower Sponge. Funny story; Rosie and I had asked them to box some of the leftover cakes as we were stuffed full. Well, did we not get up and forget our goodie box when we left. We rushed back as soon as we realised, but they’d unfortunately already cleared the table. However, because we’d gone back, they made us a whole new set of fresh cakes!

It was this kind of first class service that really made our afternoon. From the word go the staff were so lovely, and just the right level of attentive. We had everything we needed, but we didn’t feel rushed or harassed. We were allowed to sit there for 3 hours, chatting away, with not a care in the world.

When I placed the booking I had requested a window seat as we were celebrating Rosie’s birthday. When we arrived and were escorted to the table, I was overjoyed to find that they had also left a small slate on the table with a Happy Birthday message and some adorable little chocolates.

I would wholeheartedly recommend Afternoon Tea at the Blythswood to anyone, especially for a special occasion. It’s just such a spectacular location, and the staff are second to none.

 

As a bonus, the Hotel are currently running an offer – Afternoon Tea for Two for £35. This is not an offer to be missed!

Why Asking for Help Doesn’t Make You Weak

“Can you help me?”

It’s a simple 4-word question, but for some people, this make or break question can be the hardest four words they can ever say. I was one of these people.

I like to think of myself as a strong independent woman. I can handle just about anything life throws at me, and, when life in all her graces decides to throw me the shitter of all curveballs, I’m usually pretty good at sourcing and implementing a solution all by my lonesome. I am, all in all, fairly self-sufficient. I’ve had to be. When you’re as stubborn and difficult as I am, asking for help really grates against the grain.

Over the past few years, however, along my journey of self-discovery and looking internally, I have realised something; asking for someone’s help or advice does not make you weak or stupid or insignificant. It actually makes you stronger.

Asking for someone's help or advice does not make you weak or stupid or insignificant. It actually makes you stronger. Click To Tweet

There’s that old saying:

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”

Yes, this quote applies to teachers, but also to learners. Halfass a job yourself and you’ll never really, truly figure out how you did it and be able to effectively and efficiently reproduce the result. Or even worse, you won’t even be able to finish the task you’re attempting, and have to give up in a broken frustrated heap. Been there, done that, not a nice feeling. Have the sense to ask for the advice and help of someone in the know, and you’ll produce a higher quality result every time.

Asking for advice and help does not show that you are weak and unable to cope, or that you are somehow inadequate or unworthy. It instead shows your intelligence, integrity and self-awareness; you know and can see your strengths and weaknesses. You know when soldiering on blindly just isn’t going to cut it and stop, put your hands up, and say “I need some help”.

The biggest barrier stopping many independent (read: stubborn) people, not just women, from asking for help is that to admit you need help is to admit vulnerability. I struggled with this so much. I put in so much effort into having my shit together and into being a strong, capable young woman. How could I possibly admit that I had no idea what I was doing? That I was incapable of doing it all? Wouldn’t that make me look weak and incompetent? Or worse – stupid?

The truth is people don’t want to see some invincible character that never slips or falters. Everyone knows this is a facade worn by those who in truth tend to be deeply insecure and are perhaps most in need of the help they cannot ask for. People want you to ask for help; it shows them you’re human.

Asking for help causes you to be vulnerable in the most painful way. In order to ask for help, you have to drop your shield and guards and admit that you are not superhuman. You don’t know what you’re doing. The workload you’ve taken on or been given is too much. Admitting that you’re not indestructible and can’t do it all is a level of vulnerability that many people, myself included, really struggle with. It’s anxiety inducing, and terrifying, and just plain uncomfortable.

But you know what’s even more uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing?

Suffering from stress and burnout because you just couldn’t admit that you couldn’t do it all. Not getting that promotion or raise or audition just because you couldn’t bring yourself to ask for a little advice and mentoring.

Asking for help is hard, but the results of not doing so are even worse. Click To Tweet

Asking for help is hard, but the results of not doing so are even worse. Take my advice; ask. You’ll feel like crap – the first few times. Eventually, common sense and the wonderful lack of stress and panic cause you to realise just how beneficial that help can be.

It’s hard. I get it. I’ve been there.

Just go for it.

My Favourite Perfumes

I’ve mentioned before that perfume, and smelling nice, is one of the things I have in my toolkit when I’m in need of feeling feminine. A woman’s perfume can make her. Our olfactory sense is linked to our memory, meaning a specific smell can spark a specific memory. Having a signature scent can be a sexy and often seductively mysterious way of getting yourself remembered.

That being said, what woman doesn’t like to mix up her scents when she’s feeling adventurous or flirty or seductive.

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Boss Nuit pour Femme

Top Notes: White Peach, Wet Aldehydes

Heart Notes: White Violet, Jasmine

Base Notes: Crystal Moss, White Warm Woods, Creamy Sandalwoods

It would be a little strange for me to do a round-up of my favourite perfumes without mentioning my signature scent, wouldn’t it? My dad bought this perfume for me as a duty-free gift, and it’s been one of my favourites ever since. I sometimes wear the daytime equivalent when I’m in need of something a little lighter, but this scent has for me just the right notes of subtle sex appeal. Sandalwood is one of my favourite scents; it speaks to me of mystery and sensuality, which are parts of my personality I just love to show and enhance.

Coco by Chanel

Top Notes: Sicilian Mandarin

Heart Notes: Jasmine, Ylang-Ylang, Tunisian Orange Blossom

Base Notes: Patchouli, Tonka Beans, Benzoin

Is there are more iconic fragrance? Truly? This fragrance inspires a desire for elegance, class and luxury. I just love this perfume. It’s my mum’s signature fancy fragrance. When she’s going out she adds a wee spritz to just upgrade the whole effect.

Yves Saint Laurent Belle D’Opium

Top Notes: Mandarin, Casablanca Lily, Gardenia, Jasmine

Heart Notes: Incense, Peach, White Pepper, Tobacco, Hookah Accord

Base Notes: Amber, Sandalwood, Patchouli

Now, this is an unusual scent. It is an unmistakably feminine perfume, and yet, a large proportion of the scent notes are scents you would expect to find in men’s aftershaves – incense, sandalwood, tobacco. Perhaps that’s why I love it so much. It’s perhaps my second choice for a signature fragrance, but it is a little dominant for daily use. Boss Nuit is a little lighter and more palatable, so Belle D’Opium remains my going out scent.

 

What are your favourite perfumes? Do you go for sexy, masculine fragrances like me, or do you prefer lighter, more floral feminine scents?

 

Film Review: Their Finest

Wonderously talented leads with a stellar supporting cast. A predictable love story with a shocking twist. Their Finest is a charming evening’s entertainment.

Netflix Bio

With public morale in war-time Britain at an all-time low, an ex-secretary is hired to write feminine flair into a propaganda film.

Cast: Gemma Arterton, Sam Claflin, Bill Nighy.

Director: Lone Scherfig

Review

This is a lovely little feel-good film with a shocking twist and a bittersweet ending.

The storyline trundles along fairly predictably, with Gemma Arterton twinkling as lovely welsh lass Catrine Cole, an ex-secretary who is brought in by a war-time film production company to write the ‘slop’, the ‘inane’ chat between women in films. The production company takes up the story of two girls who stole their father’s boat to aid in the evacuation of Dunkirk, and the story follows the production of this propaganda film from the scriptwriters’ point of view.

If you’re looking for a strong female role model in the next film you watch, but don’t like the kick-ass, loud role models that many promote, the Catrine Cole is your feminist icon. Quietly fiery, Gemma Arterton’s Catrine stands her ground against Sam Claflin’s Tom Buckley, and guns for a more prominent role for the female characters in their film. Catrine is the primary wage earner in her home, pays the rent on her flat, and even rather bravely negotiates her salary, something female employees DID NOT DO! Catrine had previously accepted a wage of £2 a week, a wage she is blatantly told is less than her male counterparts.

Sam Claflin is a wonderful actor. I love him. And he’s wonderful in this part…all apart from the fact that Sam Claflin does not pull off bookish particularly well. He’s too good looking and carries himself too well. But it doesn’t really matter. It makes no difference to how much you end up loving this character.

As for the film and production itself, it is beautifully well done. The costumes are exquisite. Throughout the film, Richard E. Grant and his production company tell us that war-time Britain wants authenticity in their films. Well, Their Finest delivers on its own kind of authenticity. The film carries a 12 rating, which I believe is due to the authentic details of a Blitzed Britain. This isn’t Game of Thrones; there’s no excessive blood, guts and gore for the sake of exciting a childish, easily excited audience. However, this film is set in London during the Blitz, and the Director Lone Scherfig (not a director I’d heard of, but one I will be keeping an eye out for) does not let us forget it.

Catrine at one point gets caught in an air-raid. The bomb she survives destroys a local shop, throwing mannequins all around the street. In the smoke and shock, Catrine believes the mannequins to be other victims. Upon realising her mistake, Catrine is sent into a hysteric laughing fit until she rounds a corner and finds the young woman leaving the tube station before her lying in the rubble, dead. The body is shown fully on camera, with authentic injuries, but is done in a way that does not take away from the storyline. We are simply seeing the horror that Catrine sees, nothing more.

A similar situation occurs when Bill Nighy’s character Ambrose Hilliard is asked to identify the body of his agent, Sammy Smith, as Sammy’s sister is unable to identify the body. Sammy’s body (shown on camera) is badly burned. Again, this is clearly not done for effect; it is just the horror of the Blitz. Hilliard at first believes that the body cannot be Sammy as his agent was missing two fingers on his left hand, and the body before him has all five fingers. The nurse then apologises, but they “try to make a whole body…for the relatives.” This is the horror and the truth of the Blitz and is tastefully nuanced in the film. Not done for effect, just for ‘authenticity’.

The ending, oh, the ending. It’s so bittersweet and lovely and heartbreaking and… I won’t spoil it for you. You’ll just need to watch it and see.

Where to watch it: Netflix

My Favourite Blogger Instagram Stories

Instagram Stories have become my new passion. I can waste a good long while watching the stories of my favourite bloggers, and I’ve found that sharing my life on my IG Stories has become even more of a joy than sharing it on here. I just love IG Stories.

I’m a very visual person, and so Instagram has always been my favourite social media platform. But I’ve always felt pressure to share the ‘perfect’ image on my feed. You see all this advice from bloggers that, in order to gain followers, you have to stick to a specific theme, and your images have to be cohesive. I just feel that this causes more stress than anything else, and adds more pressure to your feed.

But I feel Instagram Stories is just so much freer. You can post all you like on there; there’s no pressure for your stories to be perfect. And if they’re not – they’re gone in 24 hours, who cares!

Bloggers have really taken Instagram Stories and made them their own. I love watching the stories of some of my favourite bloggers; they give a real insight into the lives of the people I admire and aspire to be.

 

Hannah Gale

Hannah Gale is, in all honesty, one of, if not my most favourite blogger. She is just so honest and open with her blog and what she writes on there, and I feel I can really identify with her.

Her Instagram Stories are just a real extension of that. She bares all – just-woken-up selfies (not actually-been-awake-for-three-hours-and-done-my-make-up kind of selfies, but real no make-up, just come to life selfies). Her stories are full of so many details of her life, and she doesn’t hide the daft, silly things we all do. In fact, she makes sure she tells all!

Check out her blog: Hannah Gale

 

Paris in Four Months

Carin is living my current dream life. She moved to Paris from Sweden for four months (hence the name of her blog) and then decided that  Paris was the place for her and in Paris, she stayed.

Her stories are full of such wonderful photographs of Paris and all the glamorous, fabulous things she gets up to in her daily life. I truly enjoy watching her stories; I love the elegant feminine aesthetic they have. In fact, they’re the stories I get most excited about seeing in my queue every morning.

Check out her blog: Paris in Four Months

 

Wish Wish Wish

The editorial skill and quality of Carrie’s stories are just so beautiful. I love the fact that every day has a theme and a theme song. These stories are just so well thought out.

I also love that Carrie shares some of her stories as videos; you really feel as though she’s actually talking to you, not just sharing for the sake of sharing.

Check out her blog: Wish Wish Wish

 

RosieLondoner

First things first – this woman’s hair is the bomb! I’m actually basing a possible new haircut on it. It’s just luscious and fabulous and so unique. I love it.

Rosie is always off wandering wonderful places. I especially loved her recent trip to the Tree Hotel in Sweden. A winter wonderland before my very eyes was a wondrous sight to see every time I opened my stories.

I really like The Londoner, and I see much of Rosie’s style in my own, so I love having a nosy at what she’s wearing every day.

Check out her blog: The Londoner

 

Colours and Carousels

Charlotte gives me hope that I have a chance to succeed at this blogging thing. Like me, she’s a lass from Glasgow, and she’s doing pretty well, I think.

I’ve actually found myself following Charlotte to some of the interesting places she’s found around the land of Weedgie. It’s nice to see a blogger talking and blogging about my city. It’s a brilliant place and seems seriously underrated by so many of the bloggers I follow, frequently choosing Edinburgh over Glasgow at every chance.

Check out her blog: Colours and Carousels

Bonus Points!!

Shameless plug here, but I have to say I personally love my Instagram Stories. I love the freedom I have to share my life with you guys, and you don’t have to watch the nonsense I share if you want, but it does fill me with joy to look and see that so many of you are watching them. It makes me feel even better when friends tell me in person that the quite enjoy the guff I share on there (so feel free to share).

Who else should I be checking out? Feed my addiction people!

Book Review: A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness

I picked up this little number from my Gran’s little library when we visited on Boxing Day. It was the title that peaked my interest; I have a secret love of all things witchy, magical and supernatural. The blurb is so brief, it doesn’t really give anything much away, but I had a strong intuition I’d like it, so into my handbag it went.

Blurb

A world of witches, daemons and vampires.

A manuscript which holds the secrets of their past and the key to their future.

Diana and Matthew – the forbidden love at the heart of it.

Review

I loved this book!

I started out attempting to read just one chapter a night as part of a new bedtime routine, but by the 4th or 5th chapter I was having to force myself to put the book down, and eventually, I just gave up trying and flew through the ending.

The characters are so well rounded and fleshed out with great personal histories. The chemistry between Diana and Matthew, the book’s main characters, is palpable, and you just end up rooting for them from the very beginning. Diana’s fiery personality is admirable (even if does get her into trouble) and Matthew’s protectiveness, although a touch excessive, is so touching.

I actually loved this book so much I’ve bought myself my own copy, and copies of the sequels. I’ll let you know how much I fall in love with them as I go.

Find it here: Goodreads | Amazon

My Favourite Photographs of 2017

I know it’s now 2018 and I should really be looking forward to the future, rather than back at the year that’s past, but I fancied a quick trip down memory lane, just to help jump start 2018.

January

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Singing or surtitles, which do I prefer??

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I spent the beginning of the year sat on the top tier of the New Atheneum Theatre in RCS, surtitling the Opera Department’s production of Handel’s Agrippina, a tale of intrigue, plots and schemes set in Ancient Rome. I enjoyed the experience, and it was great to have a bird’s eye view of the inner workings of an opera production. It truly was an enriching and insightful experience.

February

In February Rosie and I took one of our toss-of-a-coin adventures, this time to Brodick in Arran. The rail and ferry fare were actually pretty reasonable, and anyway, it was a trip taken with some wonderfully fabulous company. We got some really gorgeous shots as the sun cast a (freezing) golden light over our surroundings, and we got to see some local wildlife, including these swans and some rare sea otters just off the shore of the beach.

March

There wasn’t really much that happened in March, and, uncharacteristically, I didn’t take that many photographs. I was bogged down with essay deadlines and prepping for my end of year exam. One highlight, however, was that RCS was recognised as one of the Top 3 Performing Arts Schools in the World, and students got free cupcakes to celebrate!!

April

April 2017 was the year my mum turned 50! There was much celebration, including a family meal shared at Orocco Pier Bar and Restaurant, and then Afternoon Tea for the ladies at Cromlix House Hotel (Andy Murray was a no-show though).

Dad turned 51 a week after mum’s birthday, but grumpy won’t let me take any photos of him, so we’ll just have to settle with this little spread of prezzies and cards he got instead.

May

May is a hard one to choose just a selection of photographs because May was my adventure month, where I decided to just up and venture off somewhere. As a result, I have so many great photos that I really don’t know how I’m going to choose some favourites.

At the start of the month Mum and Dad trotted off on a wee trip away for their 25th Anniversary, and Mark disappeared off to Belgium for a Karate Trip, leaving me all on my lonesome. After finishing work one afternoon, I decided I didn’t want to just go home and sit on my tod, so instead, I hopped on a train out to Pollock Country Park for a lovely, sunny afternoon out. Following your adventurous instincts can really lead to some great days out.

Millport and the Isle of Cumbrae means a lot to my family, and it used to be that most years we’d take a trip down and cycle the island, but as time’s gone on and we’ve all got busier, that stopped happening. On another of my ‘why not’ trips in May, I hopped on the train at Glasgow Central and off I went.

June

I snapped this little rose on a sunny day at the stables with Mum. It just makes me think of peaceful sunny days with people we love.

July

July was NYCoS time! I love NYCoS time! It’s like one big, dysfunctional, musical family. I didn’t post much to Instagram much in July though, even with all the lovely photographs I took.

These little guys live in my aunt’s back garden, and are the cutest garden ornaments ever!!

August

It now seems that every year, August is my most manic time of year. There’s always something going on. Last year I took part in the Aberdeen International Youth Festival with RCS Voices in the first week of the month. A week of glorious sunshine, lovely people and phenomenal music.

And that was just the start of it.

Next up was a week of madness and mayhem known as Piping Live!, the international piping festival that takes place at The National Piping Centre every year. That was a week of late nights, Scottish music, and pipes. Lots of pipes.

To finish off my mad fortnight of music, I performed the Brahms Requiem with NYCoS in St Giles Cathedral, Edinburgh. On two hours of sleep. That part … was not fun. I had a two-hour nap in Costa’s whilst Jasmine sat next to me doing admin. The glamorous life of an operatic diva, y’know.

Next up was a holiday in the Scottish Highlands with the family. I love the Highlands, my spiritual home. So many wonderful photos were taken, but the ones on Instagram were my favourites.

Finishing off my chaotic August was our annual visit to the Blair Atholl International Horse Trials with Mum. We lucked out well and truly with the weather that day!

September

September was a quiet one, but it was the month I headed back to RCS for my 3rd year of Undergraduate Study. We kicked off the year with some Handel, Mozart and Beethoven in a concert with Thomas Dausgaard and the BBC Scottish Symphony Orchestra. Beethoven’s 9th Symphony is perhaps my favourite choral piece ever, and I was so excited to get to perform it again.

October

I love this photo!! Creds to Helen Corlett for her superior photography skills. This was taken at girls night at Rosie’s new flat, where we got to indulge in Rosie’s fabulously decorated window seat.

Oh, and enjoy Rosie’s cooking, of course.

November

I obviously get my adventurous spirit from my Dad, because this (rather chilly) visit to North Berwick was an impromptu idea from him.

The day after my visit to North Berwick, I flew down to London for my first ever girls holiday with the wife, and Katie introduced me to the wonder that is Cioccolata Fiorentine from Carluccio’s in St Pancras International Rail Station.

I couldn’t talk about my trip to London without including this Selfie.

There was a cold snap right at the end of November, and I couldn’t resist heading out into the Park to try out my new camera.

December

I kicked off the last month of the year with some Prokofiev. RCS teamed up with Scottish Opera to mount the Scottish Premiere of Prokofiev’s opera ‘The Fiery Angel’. Months of hard work and taxing rehearsals really paid off – the show was a great success.

I think the highlight of December, or quite possibly of 2017, was the fact that I passed my driving test!! Rosie the wonder bought me a new friend to keep me company on my long journies, aptly named ‘Broom Broom’.

My final concert of the year was in Hillington Park Parish Church, with some of the most talented young women I know.

Christmas was full of food and family, and the week in between Christmas and New Year just bled into one long period of time, but I could not have gone into 2018 without a final day out without my darling best friend.

You’ve made it!

Phew, that was a long one. If you’ve made this far I thank you for having stuck around this long. 2017 was a year full of ups and downs, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Here’s to 2018, and hoping it’s even better than the last.

 

 

Dear Diary: Who am I Becoming?

So I’ve decided to use a little corner of this here blog to give you an insight into how my mind works. In these ‘Dear Diary’ posts, I will be sharing and expanding some of my journal entries, to let you see some of the mental ramblings going on in my head. I’m hoping that by sharing some of these there are people out there who read them and realise that they are not alone, and that some other crazy thinks the same way they do.

Dear Diary,

Trying to decide who I am and who I want to be has been a little difficult of late.

I was so sure of myself and who I thought I was upon my return to university this year. I had thought I was so sure of the woman I was, who I wanted to be, what I wanted to get done with my year.

It would seem, however, that something has changed. I have changed.

It’s hard to describe. It’s like a pressure inside my chest; like something just isn’t sitting quite right, like I’m a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Things that normally wouldn’t bother me are starting to really irritate me, my tastes in things, in people even, have changed.

I felt it most on my trip to London. Glasgow, and Scotland, will always be my home, but there was just a strange energy in London. Something clicked in a way. The people and the city just seemed…right. It seemed to fit with me and my vision of how I see myself. Which in a way makes me feel really, really guilty. Like I’m betraying Glasgow and Scotland and home and all they’ve given me and all they mean to me.

Maybe all I need is to get away from Glasgow. I’ve been here for twenty years now. I’m maybe just feeling a little bit of cabin fever and my trip to London just felt like an escape, a place to breathe.

This feeling is making me question and rethink some of my life goals and big life choices that I’ve made recently. I still know the destination I want to reach, but the road I want to follow has become very foggy and unclear, and I’m just not to sure where to go. The yellow brick road has broken up and disappeared from view.

I think, in truth, that all that is happening is that I am beginning my transition into adulthood and making adult decisions, and it is terrifying. These periods of change are always uncomfortable, and you don’t always fit in the new space that the universe is making for you for a while.

But that’s okay.

We’re allowed to need some time to re-mould ourselves into the fabulous butterflies that we will be in our futures. We just have to deal with being very hungry caterpillars for a little while longer.